Starting this blog to express my feelings about the death of my son. I can always write my feelings better then talking about them. My hope is to help other parents with their grief. A parents love for their child doesn’t end in death their love will never end. Love goes on to heaven and back.
This is the post excerpt.
Everyone talks about the pain with grief and when does it end.? Some people might say after a couple years you should be alright. How can you be alright ever again. Think of it this way this child was part of you and if a mother they grew inside of you. You watch them go from crawling to standing to walking to running. You were there when they played sports and school events for birthdays and watched their faces on Christmas morning when they opened their presents. You sat up with them all night when they were sick comforted them when they were hurt and just sat and talked to them when they needed a ear to listen. You grew so proud of them when they accomplished goals in their life. They made your life complete from day one.
So how can the pain be gone ? The pain never ends its just that you learn how to live with the pain and the memories and that makes the pain a little less. Grief I had a friend described it real well when they said it’s like a roller coaster. Your doing pretty good handling your emotions like on a straight level stretch of a roller coaster calm relaxed some. Then something can happen a smell, a picture, a thought or maybe even a song and it’s like going down on that emotional roller coaster all over again. And you start all over climbing back up to get leveled out again. Pain becomes part of your life and you take the good parts and the bad parts of the pain the good parts being the memories and you learn to start living a new norm as they call it. Everyone griefs in their own time and own way and don’t let anyone ever tell you any different. What we live with in the back of our minds is one day we will see them again. When that day comes all the pain will be gone.
We had a wonderful day in your memory yesterday. So many people came out to celebrate your life and one of your passions Softball. Everyone talking smiling and laughing and sharing stories about you. Made me wonder were you there did you get see how much you are loved and missed. I turned around a few times and thought how much I would love to be able to see you there enjoying the day. I could hear your smart butt remarks already. I pictured you out there in field diving, jumping , running for that ball. Could almost hear you yelling that a play wasn’t called right. See you standing there getting ready to bat with that stand of yours. I smiled I enjoyed the day in your memory but don’t be upset I was still a little sad inside because this was all in your memory and how I wish it wouldn’t of had to of been. I missed you Son yesterday like I do everyday but it did help being around so people enjoying your day. Son you would be proud of me I didn’t cry till I got home. I’m working on it trying to be that strong mom you told me I was little by little. But son I’m never going to stop missing you till the day I can see you again. Love you always. And as you always use to ask me “How much you love me mom”? I love you to heaven and back son!
It’s a year later and not much seems different. One thing is you feel guilty, you feel dead inside, sometimes you don’t even feel. The shock has wore off and you are realizing those crazy thoughts you had in your head you know the ones. It’s all a dream he will be back he was just on a long trip here is a real crazy one he was working undercover and couldn’t say anything. Trust me you aren’t crazy you just want to reason his death out anyway possible in your mind. Because the actual thought of never seeing him again on this earth is just to much for your mind to handle. Then there are the thoughts and feelings that start to happen the ones where you are like starting to feel calm inside and that makes you feel even worst. Cause then you feel guilty,ashamed and disgusted in yourself. How can you feel like this he was your son you should be on the floor rolled up in a ball not able to move or function.What if you forget him? What kind of mother are you? It’s that feeling that horrible feeling of not being able to feel him anymore. You never really realize that feeling till you lose a child cause when you are parent that feeling is just naturally there. It’s the joy the excitement the tingle the warmth inside when you know you are going to get to see your child. You know the feeling when they come visit I still have that with my youngest son. It drives you crazy cause you so want to feel that and keep trying and trying cause then just maybe just maybe something in this grief you are feeling would make sense and this horrible nightmare would be over. But you have to realize it’s not going to happen and you have to keep yourself sane. So you pray to God and you talk to your child in heaven with God and you cherish every memory you have of them. You talk about them to anyone who will listen and sometimes even to people who won’t . Cause to you this is how you keep them alive with your memories and your love that you will never lose.
When you lose a child there are so many emotions you feel. Sometimes you think you are going crazy and sometimes you wish you were. Cause then it would all be your imagination and they would still be here. I think one of the worst feelings is not being able to feel the feeling you felt when they were alive. I know to a lot of you that doesn’t make sense but to someone who has lost a child it does. You feel like a horrible parent cause you can’t feel that joy feeling that happy feeling that I’m going to get to see you feeling that you did when they were alive. You wish so much for that feeling but you know it’s not going to happen. Instead you feel pain and sorrow and you go through each day hoping and praying to God that he gets you through the day. And maybe somewhere along the way you can find a little joy a little happiness to smile about.
Wrote this one night doing something I do a lot when I get home. Sit in my driveway and think and talk to my son.
It’s 10 o clock and I sit here in my drive way not wanting to get out of the car. I sit here and think of you and the tears roll down my face. I feel like as June gets closer the whole year was a blur. This thing called Grief is so hard it’s never ending. I still remember the day you were born. I was so afraid you were going to be a Friday the 13th baby. But not you, you waited till the 14th to come in this world. That day was one of the two most happiest days of my life. I sit here and I talk to you and I talk about memories. Like the Second most happiest day of my life I know you remember it well the day your brother was born. You were ready to take him home that night your grandpa had to stop you you said he’s my baby brother and I’m taking him home. I miss you so much you were always there to listen to me I think even sometimes when you didn’t want to. I’m going to keep talking to you till the day I get to see you and you talk back to me. People can think I’m crazy they can think whatever they want I don’t care. I love you son always. You used to ask me how much you love me mom ? I love you to heaven and back!
I wrote this after my son had been gone seven months thought I would share it:
It’s been seven months today since you went to heaven. As I lay here in bed I still feel so empty inside. It’s a hole that can never be filled. I still think about your texts I used to get ” what’s up” or the famous one “how much you love me mom”. I never thought at the time how important those words and those texts would be to me. But now I would give anything to hear you say those words or get a text from you. I still talk to you everyday but now I don’t hear you reply. I get up everyday and I go on and take what the day throws at me because I know I have to continue living. You always tried to be the man of the family even when you were little you tried to be my little man. So I’m not going to let you down I’m going to keep going and one day I will see you again in heaven. I miss you son I miss you so much. Love you always,
As I lay in bed and morning came I know I heard your voice call my name , “Mom”. I open my eyes hoping to see you standing there. But the floor is bare and you aren’t there. Get out of bed and check everyone’s room and make sure they are ok all sleeping soundly. I stand in the dark and look around I feel your present and know you’re near but how I wish I could see your face to kiss. I miss you so your silly remarks, and your caring heart. I know that was you I heard in the dark call my name I’m sure knowing you it was to say I’m alright mom cause I would do the same. Smile mom be happy mom I’m home with the Lord where I need to be. Feel the wind and the breeze on your face and think of me cause I’m there always in your memories. I love you mom carry on your job is not done here on this earth. But when it is I will be the first to greet you with a smirk on my face in front of the pearly gates. Smile mom and let the pain go away. And as I always said, let it go and be happy. You always asked me son how much you love me mom ,? My answer ,I love you to heaven and back!